Birth Mother Overstepping Boundaries: 8 Easy Ways to Handle

Birth mother overstepping boundaries might be an overwhelming situation for the adoptive parents. A birth mother is someone who gives her child up for adoption.

When a birth mother oversteps boundaries and begins contacting the adoptee (child) after placement, adoptive parents may feel overwhelmed and unsure how to handle the situation. As an adoptive parent, you are the authority figure in your family and know best what is suitable for your child.

Here, in this post, I will discuss eight ways to deal with a birth mother who is overstepping her boundaries.

birth mother overstepping boundaries

Birth Mother Overstepping Boundaries: 8 ways to stop

#1. Establish boundaries from the beginning:

Set clear boundaries and guidelines with the birth mother before adoption. These can include things like not talking to each other without going through a third party, not making unannounced visits, and how much contact is okay.

To someone, it may be inhumanity. But, such pre-establishment of boundaries can prevent any misunderstandings or confusion in the future.

#2. Set boundaries and stick to them:

If the birth mother starts going outside of what was agreed upon, remind her of what was agreed upon and stick to those rules. Please don’t give in to guilt trips or manipulation attempts, as it can lead to more boundary crossing in the future.

Be firm but kind in setting and enforcing boundaries. It will help protect the well-being of your child and your family.

#3. Do not engage in arguments:

If the birth mother becomes confrontational about her behaviours, do not engage in arguments or heated debates. Stay calm and firm when setting limits, but don’t let yourself get emotionally manipulated or drawn into a fight.

Remind the birth mother that you both want what’s best for the child and discuss how her behaviour does not align with that goal. Also, don’t bad-mouth her in front of the child.

#4. Do not respond to demands:

Birth mothers may try to make demands about contact or involvement in the child’s life. If these demands don’t fit with the limits you’ve already set, don’t give in and answer them.

Stand firm on your boundaries and remind the birth mother that her demands are inappropriate.

#5. Do not feel guilty about setting boundaries:

Setting boundaries with the birth mother does not make you a wrong person or mean that you don’t care about her. It simply means asserting what is best for your family and the child’s well-being.

Do not let guilt cloud your judgment in setting and enforcing boundaries. Trust your instincts as a parent and do what is best for your family.

#6. Document everything:

Keep track of all your conversations with the birth mother, even if it is on WhatsApp, including any time you cross a line or get into a fight. If the situation gets worse and you need a lawyer or mediator, this paperwork can help.

Protecting your family is always a priority, so make sure to keep good records in case you need legal protection.

#7. Encourage her to seek help:

If the birth mother’s actions start to worry you or hurt anyone, tell her to talk to a therapist or join a support group. Birth mothers can find adoption hard and may need help from a professional to deal with their feelings and boundaries.

Suggesting therapy or support groups does not mean blaming her for her actions; it simply means that you care about her well-being and want to help her work through any issues she may be facing.

#8. Get restraining order:

If all other attempts at setting and enforcing boundaries fail, it may be necessary to get a restraining order to protect your family. This should always be a last resort, but the safety of you and your child is the most important factor.

Do not hesitate to take legal action to protect your family from harm or boundary-crossing behaviours. In this regard, always trust your instincts and do what is best for you and your child. You may consult a family law attorney or adoption agency for further guidance.

How will the biological mother and empowered stepmother discuss overstepping boundaries? If you want to learn more, watch this video:

FAQs on Birth Mother Overstepping Boundaries

How do you set boundaries with birth parents?

Adoption can be a complex and emotionally charged process, and it is necessary to set boundaries with birth parents from the start.

First, be clear about what type of relationship you are hoping to maintain. Some adoptive families like to have an “open adoption,” which means they keep in touch with the birth parents through letters, emails, or visits. Other families prefer a more closed adoption, where contact is limited or nonexistent.

Second, be clear about your expectations for communication. Will you exchange information about medical history? Will you send updates and photos? Will you be available to answer questions?

By being clear about your expectations from the beginning, you can help to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the road. Finally, remember that birth parents may need time to adjust to their new reality. They may feel guilty, sorrowful, or even angry.

As an adoptive parent, be patient and understanding. Setting rules early on can help ensure that everyone involved in the adoption process has a good time.

How do you set boundaries with difficult birth mothers?

Being a foster parent can be a rewarding experience, but it can also be challenging. One of the most difficult aspects of foster care is setting boundaries with birth mothers. While it is important to nurture and support the birth mother, it is also essential to establish clear boundaries.

This can be difficult, as the birth mother may feel overwhelmed and uncertain. However, remember that you are not responsible for the birth mother’s well-being; your primary responsibility is to the children in your care.

As such, you need to be clear about what you are willing and unable to do. This may mean saying no to requests for financial assistance or emotional support. It may also suggest limiting contact with the birth mother to phone calls or supervised visits.

Whatever boundaries you set, you must be consistent and firm. Doing so will help create a safe and nurturing environment for the children in your care.

What are parental boundaries?

Parental boundaries are the guidelines parents set to help their children feel safe and secure. These boundaries may differ for each family, but they typically involve setting limits on physical contact, communication, and behaviour.

By establishing clear boundaries, parents can provide their children with a sense of structure and stability. At the same time, these boundaries should be flexible enough to allow for individual growth and development.

Ultimately, parental boundaries help to create a healthy balance between independence and dependence.

How do you deal with annoying in-laws after having a baby?

One of the most challenging aspects of parenthood is learning how to deal with annoying in-laws regarding your child. From unsolicited advice to constantly showing up unannounced, in-laws can quickly become a source of stress for new parents.

However, you can do a few things to ease the tension.

First, try to have a sense of humour about the situation. If your in-laws are constantly giving you advice, try to brush it off and remind yourself that they are just trying to help.

Second, be honest with them about your needs and boundaries. If you need some space, let them know politely but firmly. Finally, remember that you can always take a break from them if necessary.

If your in-laws are proving too much to handle, don’t hesitate to take a break from them for a while. Just make sure to communicate your needs clearly so that they don’t feel offended.

Why is adoption reunion so hard?

Adoption reunion is a complicated and often emotional process. For many adoptees, it can be not easy to reconnect with a birth parent who has been out of their life for so long.

There may be feelings of anger, sadness, or betrayal that need to be processed. In some cases, the adoptee may have built up an idealised image of the birth parent and be disappointed by the reality.

The reunion process can also be stressful for birth parents, who may worry about how the adoptee will react to meeting them.

Remember that everyone involved in the reunion deals with different emotions and needs time to adjust. But with time and understanding, many families can build lasting bonds.


It can be challenging to handle a birth mother who is overstepping her boundaries. Still, for the sake of your family and the child, it is necessary to set and enforce limits. Remember to stay calm, document communication, and do not feel guilty about protecting your family.

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